What does it mean to me?

Last night I had a dream about the animations that I have been working on. I clearly saw my last animation and my dream told me to move on to the next part of the triptych. I was booked in to animate again today so I think that it might be the last animation that I do in the 'Ego' series before starting on the Shadow.

So far it has been a rather strange journey for me. To begin with, wading through the theory was torturous and for a while I thought that I wouldn't be able to make sense of any of it. Now I've become consumed by the project and the enormity of it excites me and I know that I am doing what I need to do. I love working on something that I feel so at one with. In my job I sometimes feel out of my depth, there are reams of paperwork that I don't understand, I have to negotiate the complex structure of the organisation and always keep myself in check. When I am animating, I am just that, animating. There is no other thought that enters my head.

As this triptych is modelled on my own psychology I have had to use my memories, thoughts and feelings to base the work on. I stated in my proposal that most of my work is dark in nature and that I wanted to investigate why. I have a feeling that what started off as en expression of what I was feeling at a few points in my life turned into a habit. Even when happy my work remains morbid as if it got stuck in time and although I felt that I had moved on my work never did. It seems that even the 'Ego' animations that were intended to be much lighter than my other work, were disturbing to others. I do feel the darkness lifting a little now, it's like I really have to force it out trying hard to express positivity instead of negativity.

I see this as a cathartic experience, proof that I can tell a story that isn't entirely grim and in doing so maybe I can convince myself that whatever struggles I had before are behind me. Whatever is to come will come, bad or good, but to expect the worst isn't always healthy. I have taken a different view of myself and in doing that I hope to express something different in my work.

Indulging in animated play makes me happy. The only plan I have is a feeling, and this is what I have to follow in order to create this triptych. This seems to be my most successful way of working. I have accepted that I am an instinctive animator and that I do not work well when too much planning is involved. To begin with I tried to add structure to this project especially during the self negotiated unit but it didn't work particularly well as it didn't allow me enough freedom. Now I am just following the work instead off trying to force it and it feels (and looks) much better.

Mostly I think that to me this triptych is about letting go of bad memories. I can't ever wipe these things from my mind, I can't un-see, un-feel or un-hear things but I can refuse to dwell on them. The thing is that I still feel very sad for my younger self. I look back and think that I should never have had to go through those things and I hate the thought that others will go through the same and worse. It always surprises me when people show a lack of empathy for others. If I see someone going through a hard time I put myself in their position by using the old feelings that I have stored away to feel what they feel. Maybe that is the positive thing that I can take from my experiences? To be able to take anything positive away from a negative experience has to be a good thing, I'm lucky that I have managed to do something productive with my own negativity but I think it's time to make people feel good when they watch my work instead of feeling scared or freaked out. Something more akin to a kiss than to being hit round the head with a brick?