Post-animation depression

Fulfilling what I set out to do still feels quite empty in some ways. Every time I produce an animation I am reminded that in order to do this all the time I would need resources that I simply don't have. I have only been able to produce animation when I am studying at an institution that has the facilities that I need.

I had a notion that if I were to film something that is much lighter than my previous 'dark' work it would somehow quell the self-loathing that I sometimes feel. Despite the positive feedback I still feel the same about this animation as I have with every other piece of work that I have produced. I feel empty when I am not animating, it doesn't matter what the content of the animation is, I am in love with the process, with the movement and expression. It's like life is something that just happens when I am not working, I try to take part, to play the game, socialise, engage, earn money and perform but I only ever feel like myself When I am at home with Duncan, talking about my work or when I am creating animated 'things'. At the moment I am very much alone without a sounding board. As it is the summer NUCA is devoid of people, my peers and I are working on our projects independently as there aren't as many tutors around. Alone in a vacuum I start to doubt what I have done.

It's at this stage that I feel like I should do it all over again because it's 'not good enough', really it's just because I enjoyed doing it so much that I don't want it to end. It's now that I start to feel really alone but no longer able to socialise because I have spent too long being absorbed in my work. I begin to look at the mundane every-day things and worry about the money I have spent pursuing this. I hear the voice of every single person who has told me that what I am doing is a waste of time and I feel like an idiot.

Viva la pessimism.

This is the part I hate.

I seek out things that I think might 'cheer me up', too mentally exhausted to think about the next project. I go out with friends and feel like I left an important part of me somewhere else. I make Dunks meals on autopilot, with a fake smile and hope that he doesn't notice. The façade slips a little more than it usually does and I start to act like an asshole. I can no longer deal with conversations that don't have anything to do with my work. So how do I pull myself out of this self absorbed hole?

The only thing that has ever worked is to move onto the next project. However, there are things I still need to do with this project. I need to organise musicians, e-mail people, promote a piece of work that I no longer believe in, write evaluations, study sound theory, look into exhibition opportunities...

I have about 3 weeks left of feeling like this, listlessly moving from one thing to the next, before the chaos will envelop me again as we prepare for the exhibition and I prepare myself to start back at my job. I can't think beyond that.

It's not the worst kind of depression but it is tedious, expected and not really much fun :(